Panel 22 -- Song TABLE OF CONTENTS of this chain: 22/ Song? 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ Climbing Humor 27/ Legal issues 28/ Alternative ways to read rec.climbing 1/ DISCLAIMER 2/ Previous topics 3/ Beginner's (climbing) post 4/ 5/ Access 6/ 7/ References 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ Ratings and grades 13/ 14/ In memoriam 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ Climbing GIFs 19/ 20/ Weather 21/ Climbing glossary Song? Pull the trigger - put it in the crack. If either cam or crack is bigger, get another off your rack. --MC If fumbling you should drop that friend reach for another, try again. Should you find no more that size, oh shit, you've got to improvise! Stack two of those, no, three of these. Getting pumped, starting to grease. Wedge the big one, oops it's jammed. Get it together, or soon you're damned. Loop a sling around that horn two more seconds, then airborn. Zipper, zipper, clackety clack. Climb a bolt route, instead of a crack. -WT Well, here are a couple more songs courtesy of Cambridge Uni.. Caving Matilda ============== Once a jolly caver came upon a squalid hole Under the shade of a rowan tree. And he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving matilda, caving matilda who'll come a-caving matilda with me and he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me Far beneath the surface, deep inside a bedding plane where cries the caver can the through route be and he sang as he heard the murmur of a waterfall who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up rose the storm clouds down came the thunder rain up rose the waters, turf brown sea and he sang as the waters flowed into that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up came the rescue mounted on an ambulance up came the wardens one, two, three. and the sang as they festered, waiting for the tea to brew who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Far beneath the surface deep inside a bedding plane there lies a caver ne'er to be found and his voice can be heard as you pass by that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. -DM The Wild Caver ============== I came up to Cambridge a fresher so neat some dirty old cavers I happened to meet I asked could I join them they answered me nay for weenies like you we can get any day and its no, nay, never no, nay never no more will I play the wild caver no never, no more I took out my cheque book all shiny and bright the treasurers eyes they lit up with delight they said I could join them be part of their rank as soon as the cheque had been cleared by the bank and its no... They sold me a wetsuit at an exhorbitant price the shiny black helmet was ever so nice we went up to derbyshire P8 was the place we only drowned three and lost four without trace and its... The pitches in yorkshire all end in dead sheep and to get there you wade through snow ten feet deep There are no caves in mendip or so goes the tale so potholing prowess is measured in ale and its... Now S.Wales is a speleologists delight but the names are too long and you can't say them right so don't blame the weeneies when they say OFD its easier than saying LLWNYNNWWWLLGGYYLLLLLFFFDREWLLLYN and its... Now the songs over I've stories to tell of waters that rose and of boulders that fell and all I have left is a tattered wetsuit half a black helmet and a wellington boot and its... -DM To the infamous rolf harris tune..... Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down (where's the f***** pro) Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down Dyno up for that jug, doug dyno up for that jug give those tendons a tug doug and dyno up for that jug straight ahead up the crack Jack straight ahead up the crack you're not turning back jack, go straight ahead up that crack get the handhold up high sly... otherwise you're going to fly.. Better make sure you don't fall paul... cos I aint got the rope at all paul... Now your hand's off the rock jock... Bet you're in for a shock, Jock... Youre lucky there's a deep lake,Jake... Can I have a slice of your cake, Jake... It's a shame its the sea, Lea Now you will pay the fee,Lea... You're all dead and gone john... Thats the end of the song, John... And sillier stil,... Go on give us a wave dave... As you go down the cave, dave Put your pet in the pan dan We know it's not a beard, Dan... Sorry that verse didn't rhyme, Sime... We just didn't have time, Sime Meet us down at the wall, Paul... Try the pub when you call, Paul... You should come on a meet,Pete Cos all we do is eat, Pete -DM ====== There is also a variant of Old Mcdonald had a farm.. This has some reference to terry tullis and harrissons rocks Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had a soloist EIEIO with a chalk dab here, and a chalk dab there here a chalk dab, there a chalk dab Take off that ****** chalk bag Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had an ice climber EIEIO with a woooo here.... ......novice EIEIO with a tight rope here ....rambler map case here and a map case there here a map case there a map case THERMOS BELOW O.M.T.H.A.C. EIEIO ...instructor Vdiff here and a V.Diff there ...some rocks EIEIO with some sandstone here and some sandstone there here some sandstone, there some sandstone everywhere a pile of sand ....Welsh climber ... rain storm here and downpour there ...Gritstone climber .. Hand Jam here and a hand jam there.. ad nauseum... make up your own local variants... -DM Sometimes I feel like a nut, Sometimes a bolt! Wayne Trzyna's rack's got nuts, Mort's don't! -EH Climbing Blues (sung to a blues guitar or while -------------- whimpering on lead) I'm looking straight up Thinking...its a long way down The sky is the place for birds Why ain't I on the ground? ---------------------------- |Chorus: | I've got those climbing blues, | Got those shoes too tight, rack ain't right, | anchors out of sight, days turned into night, | climbing blues. ----------------------------- I'm looking up one ugly crack There's only one thing left do Cause I'm comitted, I can't turn back Time to start singing those climbing blues (Chorus) I'm about take a fall Its only on a piton by Yvon But my partner just told be about the history of the rope The one he's taken 20 leader falls on. (Chorus) The guidebook says, "IT's EASY 5.5 Just have a Stopper, size #4 out" I'm 20 feet up, really doing a cruise Getting rid of those nasty blues When my partner yells, "Hey dude, thats 5.11. Wrong route!" (Chorus) Hey, when life is not being kind to you Then, hey, its a great day to climb Because when you're climbing all your worries melt away So give me those climbing blues any old time. (Chorus) --RR (not that other RR) the lyrics for "Suicide Is Painless" (the theme from M*A*S*H). Here it is: "Suicide is Painless" Words by Mike Altman Music by Johnny Mandel Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see that Chorus: Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late, and (chorus) The game of life is hard to play I'm going to lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay And this is all I have to say, that (chorus) The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give a seat For that's the only painless feat, cause (chorus) The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger - watch it grin (chorus) A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be? And I replied, "Oh why ask me?", cause (chorus) 'Tis a gift to be stupid, 'tis a gift to be free, 'tis a gift to accept self-responsibility. 'Tis a frightful encroachment by the bureaucracy, insurance, fees, bans, and regualations. Life During Climbing Times (Sung to the tune of "Life During Wartime" by the Talking Heads) Heard of a climber loaded with 'biners, Racked up and ready to go. Heard of some new routes far from the highway, A place that nobody knows. The sound of beta off in the distance, I'm getting used to it now. Climbed on the big walls, climbed on the boulders, Don't think I'll ever slow down. This ain't no sport climb, This ain't no top rope, This ain't hang doggin' around. No time to drink beer, Belay from lawn chairs, I ain't got time for that now. Somebody saw us up on our new crag, We had to feign ignorance. I've got twelve rock shoes, a couple of chalk bags, Some people ask if I'm French. High above basecamp, bags are loaded, All the ropes are in place. I sleep at the bivvy, I jug up at daybreak, A great big smile on my face. This ain't no contest, This ain't on TV, There ain't no judge and no crowd. I want to hang out, Be seen at Snowbird, I ain't got time for that now. Heard about Smith Rocks, heard about Hueco, Heard about Joshua Tree. You oughta know not to climb wearing Levi's, Somebody's likely to see. I got some Stoppers, some Chouinard Ovals, To do El Cap in a day. But I ain't got no Walkman, ain't got no boom box, Ain't got no CD's to play. Why use the Bosch drill? Why bolt on rappel? To make some dinky new route. Quickdraws all preplaced, Every three feet, That's not what climbing's about. This ain't no limestone, This ain't the Verdon, This is the U. S. of A. If climbing's too scary, Go back to the rock gym, Leave the cliffs for the brave. We disdain topos and preinspecting, We always lead it onsight. Stuck on a Grade IV after the sun goes, We just stay for the night. We dress like hardmen, wear day-glo fashions, It's all a clever disguise. Changed my lycra so many times now, Gotta blend with the times. You like the jamcracks, I like the friction, We make a pretty good team. Don't get exhausted, I'll do some leading, I think it's your turn to clean. Burned all our guidebooks, what good are guidebooks? Route skills help me survive. I'd rather climb into the unknown, That's when I know I'm alive. Sixteen Pins (with apologies to Merle Travis) Some people say a man is made outa mud A big-wall climber's made out of muscle and blood Feet like a spider, arms like King Kong, A mind that's weak and a grip that's strong Ya hammer sixteen pins, and what do you get, Another pitch higher up off of the deck Saint Peter don't you call me, cause I can't go I owe my soul to the REI* store... *[or MEC, or EMS] I was born one morning when the rain didn't fall, I picked up my harness and I walked to the wall, I climbed sixteen pitches of 5.9 A5 My belayer said, "What? You're still alive?" Ya hammer sixteen pins... If you see me climbing, better step aside A lot of men didn't, a lot of men died Pitons of iron, superior skill If the tricams don't get you, the rope drag will Ya hammer sixteen pins... GORY, GORY ROCKCLIMBERS "Will it go around the chockstone?" called the belayer looking up Our hero feebly answered "Yes" and slowly inched on up. He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more He slid right down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed He shot past the belayer who'd forgot the climber's creed An anchor to a piton would've been all he'd ever need Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more (last line to every verse) The belayer felt the rope pull taut, and tried to let it run But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come He left the ledge behind him and it shot up towards the sun They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col They had such good exposure it had made a glorious fall They slithered over a friction pitch and sped on down the wall The days they'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through their minds They thought about the girls back home, and the ones they'd left behind They thought about the rangers too, and wondered what they'd find A medic in the valley watched them through his telescope And as they neared the bottom his eyes grew bright with hope For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope One had the rope around his neck and pitons through his spleen An ice-ax in the rucksack had split the other's bean The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green They hit the ground, the sound was SPLAT! The blood went spurting high Their comrades they were heard to say "What a colorful way to die!" They wished that they had never come, or that they had learned to fly (slowly) There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope Bits and pieces were entwined across the green and grassy slope We put them in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope -- Larry Taylor and Al Baxter (Stanford Alpine Club). The insie wiensie climbers climbed up the Seneca route Down came the rain and washed the climbers out Out came the sun and dried up all the rain And the insie wiensie climbers climbed up the route again Old McDonald had a rock eieio And on this rock he had a crack eieio With a "jam, jam" here And a "jam, jam" there Here a jam, there a jam, everywhere a "jam,jam" Old McDonald had a rock eieio --KS RMNP January Morning Poem Gonna get some donuts, hope I ain't a wimp. If that wind keeps howlin', gonna be a blimp. --WT And just when you thought, "This is finally it! I'm going to die after climbing on grit." The rope takes your strain, a few feet from the ground, and it's down to earth you come, safe and sound. Then it's off to the Chequers, for a pint of Wards ale, where oft is told a graphic tale --- From P. Diffley From: Darren O'Connor <oconnord@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> Subject: Ode to .edu's Ode To .EDU's Though school's about education, I look forward to all the vacations, But this term has sucked, Damned be the luck, I've had no time for recreation! Perhaps I need a real job, So at night my head will not throb, With formulas galore, Man what a bore, It seems all my free time's been robbed! At least Christmas is near, Warm climbing's to be had, I hear, My waning skills, Will add to the thrills, It's sweaty palms for me, I fear! Darren O. Poem of Fear Edging skills, or hospital bills? Miss a turn? Crash and burn, downward tumble, now I'm humble, no control, slip, flip, roll, wrenching knee, whacking tree. What a blunder! (Six feet under?) Smashing rocks. (Pine-wood box?) Beeper on. (Buried and gone.) -- -Wayne Trzyna trzyna@CS.ColoState.EDU Little Miss Muffet got off her tuffet to climb the Eiger in a day. She came to the Spider It sent rocks down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away. S. Lindell "The Log Song", from Ren & Stimpy "What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs Rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back? It's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log! Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!" Seasonal: The Monster Rack To the tune of the 50s Rock and Roll Hit, "The Monster Mash" I was working a route, late one night, when my eyes beheld a terrible sight; Stricken by panic, driven with fright, We racked and racked to allay our plight: CHURUS REFRAIN We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. A heinous crack! Protect the heinous crack. Don't wanna stack! RP's don't wanna stack. We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. MONSTER RACK VERSE #2 Was doin a one-digit, man was it tough- I'd used my small cams and all my thin stuff WIth twenty feet of runout, a fall would be rough So I downclimbed to my belay and said, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!" Guess I needed the rack-- The monster rack! So I worked up the offwidth and the squeeze too Till I wore off all the skin up above my shoe I plugged in Big Bros till my rack was lean Then I knew for shure that this crack was mean I used the rack It was a bitchin crack It ate my rack Now I have a shit fit attack It ate my rack! It's too late to climb back! So I ran it out for about 50 feet My partner was wigged and I was white as a sheet I placed a tricam in a shallow hole Upon that crap I bet my soul On up 10' more was a really sick mantle My life was flickering like a burned out candle I grovelled like a drunken skunk to the anchor Then thanked God I didn't meet my maker I used my rack It was a monster rack I used my rack Too tiny for that crack! I used my rack I'm havin a gastric attack! I used my rack It was a monster rack! > Lord Slime, who art in (Ft.)Collins > Hallowed be thy name > Thy email come > Thy wrath be known > in pixels as it is in Colorado > Give us this day our daily flame > Forgive us our insolence > as we forgive those who spew fire against us. > Lead us not into long threads > and deliver us from boneheads. -- .

Panel 22 -- Song TABLE OF CONTENTS of this chain: 22/ Song? 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ Climbing Humor 27/ Legal issues 28/ Alternative ways to read rec.climbing 1/ DISCLAIMER 2/ Previous topics 3/ Beginner's (climbing) post 4/ 5/ Access 6/ 7/ References 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ Ratings and grades 13/ 14/ In memoriam 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ Climbing GIFs 19/ 20/ Weather 21/ Climbing glossary Song? Pull the trigger - put it in the crack. If either cam or crack is bigger, get another off your rack. --MC If fumbling you should drop that friend reach for another, try again. Should you find no more that size, oh shit, you've got to improvise! Stack two of those, no, three of these. Getting pumped, starting to grease. Wedge the big one, oops it's jammed. Get it together, or soon you're damned. Loop a sling around that horn two more seconds, then airborn. Zipper, zipper, clackety clack. Climb a bolt route, instead of a crack. -WT Well, here are a couple more songs courtesy of Cambridge Uni.. Caving Matilda ============== Once a jolly caver came upon a squalid hole Under the shade of a rowan tree. And he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving matilda, caving matilda who'll come a-caving matilda with me and he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me Far beneath the surface, deep inside a bedding plane where cries the caver can the through route be and he sang as he heard the murmur of a waterfall who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up rose the storm clouds down came the thunder rain up rose the waters, turf brown sea and he sang as the waters flowed into that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up came the rescue mounted on an ambulance up came the wardens one, two, three. and the sang as they festered, waiting for the tea to brew who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Far beneath the surface deep inside a bedding plane there lies a caver ne'er to be found and his voice can be heard as you pass by that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. -DM The Wild Caver ============== I came up to Cambridge a fresher so neat some dirty old cavers I happened to meet I asked could I join them they answered me nay for weenies like you we can get any day and its no, nay, never no, nay never no more will I play the wild caver no never, no more I took out my cheque book all shiny and bright the treasurers eyes they lit up with delight they said I could join them be part of their rank as soon as the cheque had been cleared by the bank and its no... They sold me a wetsuit at an exhorbitant price the shiny black helmet was ever so nice we went up to derbyshire P8 was the place we only drowned three and lost four without trace and its... The pitches in yorkshire all end in dead sheep and to get there you wade through snow ten feet deep There are no caves in mendip or so goes the tale so potholing prowess is measured in ale and its... Now S.Wales is a speleologists delight but the names are too long and you can't say them right so don't blame the weeneies when they say OFD its easier than saying LLWNYNNWWWLLGGYYLLLLLFFFDREWLLLYN and its... Now the songs over I've stories to tell of waters that rose and of boulders that fell and all I have left is a tattered wetsuit half a black helmet and a wellington boot and its... -DM To the infamous rolf harris tune..... Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down (where's the f***** pro) Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down Dyno up for that jug, doug dyno up for that jug give those tendons a tug doug and dyno up for that jug straight ahead up the crack Jack straight ahead up the crack you're not turning back jack, go straight ahead up that crack get the handhold up high sly... otherwise you're going to fly.. Better make sure you don't fall paul... cos I aint got the rope at all paul... Now your hand's off the rock jock... Bet you're in for a shock, Jock... Youre lucky there's a deep lake,Jake... Can I have a slice of your cake, Jake... It's a shame its the sea, Lea Now you will pay the fee,Lea... You're all dead and gone john... Thats the end of the song, John... And sillier stil,... Go on give us a wave dave... As you go down the cave, dave Put your pet in the pan dan We know it's not a beard, Dan... Sorry that verse didn't rhyme, Sime... We just didn't have time, Sime Meet us down at the wall, Paul... Try the pub when you call, Paul... You should come on a meet,Pete Cos all we do is eat, Pete -DM ====== There is also a variant of Old Mcdonald had a farm.. This has some reference to terry tullis and harrissons rocks Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had a soloist EIEIO with a chalk dab here, and a chalk dab there here a chalk dab, there a chalk dab Take off that ****** chalk bag Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had an ice climber EIEIO with a woooo here.... ......novice EIEIO with a tight rope here ....rambler map case here and a map case there here a map case there a map case THERMOS BELOW O.M.T.H.A.C. EIEIO ...instructor Vdiff here and a V.Diff there ...some rocks EIEIO with some sandstone here and some sandstone there here some sandstone, there some sandstone everywhere a pile of sand ....Welsh climber ... rain storm here and downpour there ...Gritstone climber .. Hand Jam here and a hand jam there.. ad nauseum... make up your own local variants... -DM Sometimes I feel like a nut, Sometimes a bolt! Wayne Trzyna's rack's got nuts, Mort's don't! -EH Climbing Blues (sung to a blues guitar or while -------------- whimpering on lead) I'm looking straight up Thinking...its a long way down The sky is the place for birds Why ain't I on the ground? ---------------------------- |Chorus: | I've got those climbing blues, | Got those shoes too tight, rack ain't right, | anchors out of sight, days turned into night, | climbing blues. ----------------------------- I'm looking up one ugly crack There's only one thing left do Cause I'm comitted, I can't turn back Time to start singing those climbing blues (Chorus) I'm about take a fall Its only on a piton by Yvon But my partner just told be about the history of the rope The one he's taken 20 leader falls on. (Chorus) The guidebook says, "IT's EASY 5.5 Just have a Stopper, size #4 out" I'm 20 feet up, really doing a cruise Getting rid of those nasty blues When my partner yells, "Hey dude, thats 5.11. Wrong route!" (Chorus) Hey, when life is not being kind to you Then, hey, its a great day to climb Because when you're climbing all your worries melt away So give me those climbing blues any old time. (Chorus) --RR (not that other RR) the lyrics for "Suicide Is Painless" (the theme from M*A*S*H). Here it is: "Suicide is Painless" Words by Mike Altman Music by Johnny Mandel Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see that Chorus: Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late, and (chorus) The game of life is hard to play I'm going to lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay And this is all I have to say, that (chorus) The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give a seat For that's the only painless feat, cause (chorus) The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger - watch it grin (chorus) A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be? And I replied, "Oh why ask me?", cause (chorus) 'Tis a gift to be stupid, 'tis a gift to be free, 'tis a gift to accept self-responsibility. 'Tis a frightful encroachment by the bureaucracy, insurance, fees, bans, and regualations. Life During Climbing Times (Sung to the tune of "Life During Wartime" by the Talking Heads) Heard of a climber loaded with 'biners, Racked up and ready to go. Heard of some new routes far from the highway, A place that nobody knows. The sound of beta off in the distance, I'm getting used to it now. Climbed on the big walls, climbed on the boulders, Don't think I'll ever slow down. This ain't no sport climb, This ain't no top rope, This ain't hang doggin' around. No time to drink beer, Belay from lawn chairs, I ain't got time for that now. Somebody saw us up on our new crag, We had to feign ignorance. I've got twelve rock shoes, a couple of chalk bags, Some people ask if I'm French. High above basecamp, bags are loaded, All the ropes are in place. I sleep at the bivvy, I jug up at daybreak, A great big smile on my face. This ain't no contest, This ain't on TV, There ain't no judge and no crowd. I want to hang out, Be seen at Snowbird, I ain't got time for that now. Heard about Smith Rocks, heard about Hueco, Heard about Joshua Tree. You oughta know not to climb wearing Levi's, Somebody's likely to see. I got some Stoppers, some Chouinard Ovals, To do El Cap in a day. But I ain't got no Walkman, ain't got no boom box, Ain't got no CD's to play. Why use the Bosch drill? Why bolt on rappel? To make some dinky new route. Quickdraws all preplaced, Every three feet, That's not what climbing's about. This ain't no limestone, This ain't the Verdon, This is the U. S. of A. If climbing's too scary, Go back to the rock gym, Leave the cliffs for the brave. We disdain topos and preinspecting, We always lead it onsight. Stuck on a Grade IV after the sun goes, We just stay for the night. We dress like hardmen, wear day-glo fashions, It's all a clever disguise. Changed my lycra so many times now, Gotta blend with the times. You like the jamcracks, I like the friction, We make a pretty good team. Don't get exhausted, I'll do some leading, I think it's your turn to clean. Burned all our guidebooks, what good are guidebooks? Route skills help me survive. I'd rather climb into the unknown, That's when I know I'm alive. Sixteen Pins (with apologies to Merle Travis) Some people say a man is made outa mud A big-wall climber's made out of muscle and blood Feet like a spider, arms like King Kong, A mind that's weak and a grip that's strong Ya hammer sixteen pins, and what do you get, Another pitch higher up off of the deck Saint Peter don't you call me, cause I can't go I owe my soul to the REI* store... *[or MEC, or EMS] I was born one morning when the rain didn't fall, I picked up my harness and I walked to the wall, I climbed sixteen pitches of 5.9 A5 My belayer said, "What? You're still alive?" Ya hammer sixteen pins... If you see me climbing, better step aside A lot of men didn't, a lot of men died Pitons of iron, superior skill If the tricams don't get you, the rope drag will Ya hammer sixteen pins... GORY, GORY ROCKCLIMBERS "Will it go around the chockstone?" called the belayer looking up Our hero feebly answered "Yes" and slowly inched on up. He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more He slid right down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed He shot past the belayer who'd forgot the climber's creed An anchor to a piton would've been all he'd ever need Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more (last line to every verse) The belayer felt the rope pull taut, and tried to let it run But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come He left the ledge behind him and it shot up towards the sun They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col They had such good exposure it had made a glorious fall They slithered over a friction pitch and sped on down the wall The days they'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through their minds They thought about the girls back home, and the ones they'd left behind They thought about the rangers too, and wondered what they'd find A medic in the valley watched them through his telescope And as they neared the bottom his eyes grew bright with hope For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope One had the rope around his neck and pitons through his spleen An ice-ax in the rucksack had split the other's bean The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green They hit the ground, the sound was SPLAT! The blood went spurting high Their comrades they were heard to say "What a colorful way to die!" They wished that they had never come, or that they had learned to fly (slowly) There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope Bits and pieces were entwined across the green and grassy slope We put them in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope -- Larry Taylor and Al Baxter (Stanford Alpine Club). The insie wiensie climbers climbed up the Seneca route Down came the rain and washed the climbers out Out came the sun and dried up all the rain And the insie wiensie climbers climbed up the route again Old McDonald had a rock eieio And on this rock he had a crack eieio With a "jam, jam" here And a "jam, jam" there Here a jam, there a jam, everywhere a "jam,jam" Old McDonald had a rock eieio --KS RMNP January Morning Poem Gonna get some donuts, hope I ain't a wimp. If that wind keeps howlin', gonna be a blimp. --WT And just when you thought, "This is finally it! I'm going to die after climbing on grit." The rope takes your strain, a few feet from the ground, and it's down to earth you come, safe and sound. Then it's off to the Chequers, for a pint of Wards ale, where oft is told a graphic tale --- From P. Diffley From: Darren O'Connor <oconnord@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> Subject: Ode to .edu's Ode To .EDU's Though school's about education, I look forward to all the vacations, But this term has sucked, Damned be the luck, I've had no time for recreation! Perhaps I need a real job, So at night my head will not throb, With formulas galore, Man what a bore, It seems all my free time's been robbed! At least Christmas is near, Warm climbing's to be had, I hear, My waning skills, Will add to the thrills, It's sweaty palms for me, I fear! Darren O. Poem of Fear Edging skills, or hospital bills? Miss a turn? Crash and burn, downward tumble, now I'm humble, no control, slip, flip, roll, wrenching knee, whacking tree. What a blunder! (Six feet under?) Smashing rocks. (Pine-wood box?) Beeper on. (Buried and gone.) -- -Wayne Trzyna trzyna@CS.ColoState.EDU Little Miss Muffet got off her tuffet to climb the Eiger in a day. She came to the Spider It sent rocks down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away. S. Lindell "The Log Song", from Ren & Stimpy "What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs Rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back? It's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log! Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!" Seasonal: The Monster Rack To the tune of the 50s Rock and Roll Hit, "The Monster Mash" I was working a route, late one night, when my eyes beheld a terrible sight; Stricken by panic, driven with fright, We racked and racked to allay our plight: CHURUS REFRAIN We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. A heinous crack! Protect the heinous crack. Don't wanna stack! RP's don't wanna stack. We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. MONSTER RACK VERSE #2 Was doin a one-digit, man was it tough- I'd used my small cams and all my thin stuff WIth twenty feet of runout, a fall would be rough So I downclimbed to my belay and said, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!" Guess I needed the rack-- The monster rack! So I worked up the offwidth and the squeeze too Till I wore off all the skin up above my shoe I plugged in Big Bros till my rack was lean Then I knew for shure that this crack was mean I used the rack It was a bitchin crack It ate my rack Now I have a shit fit attack It ate my rack! It's too late to climb back! So I ran it out for about 50 feet My partner was wigged and I was white as a sheet I placed a tricam in a shallow hole Upon that crap I bet my soul On up 10' more was a really sick mantle My life was flickering like a burned out candle I grovelled like a drunken skunk to the anchor Then thanked God I didn't meet my maker I used my rack It was a monster rack I used my rack Too tiny for that crack! I used my rack I'm havin a gastric attack! I used my rack It was a monster rack! > Lord Slime, who art in (Ft.)Collins > Hallowed be thy name > Thy email come > Thy wrath be known > in pixels as it is in Colorado > Give us this day our daily flame > Forgive us our insolence > as we forgive those who spew fire against us. > Lead us not into long threads > and deliver us from boneheads. -- .

Panel 22 -- Song TABLE OF CONTENTS of this chain: 22/ Song? 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ Climbing Humor 27/ Legal issues 28/ Alternative ways to read rec.climbing 1/ DISCLAIMER 2/ Previous topics 3/ Beginner's (climbing) post 4/ 5/ Access 6/ 7/ References 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ Ratings and grades 13/ 14/ In memoriam 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ Climbing GIFs 19/ 20/ Weather 21/ Climbing glossary Song? Pull the trigger - put it in the crack. If either cam or crack is bigger, get another off your rack. --MC If fumbling you should drop that friend reach for another, try again. Should you find no more that size, oh shit, you've got to improvise! Stack two of those, no, three of these. Getting pumped, starting to grease. Wedge the big one, oops it's jammed. Get it together, or soon you're damned. Loop a sling around that horn two more seconds, then airborn. Zipper, zipper, clackety clack. Climb a bolt route, instead of a crack. -WT Well, here are a couple more songs courtesy of Cambridge Uni.. Caving Matilda ============== Once a jolly caver came upon a squalid hole Under the shade of a rowan tree. And he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving matilda, caving matilda who'll come a-caving matilda with me and he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me Far beneath the surface, deep inside a bedding plane where cries the caver can the through route be and he sang as he heard the murmur of a waterfall who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up rose the storm clouds down came the thunder rain up rose the waters, turf brown sea and he sang as the waters flowed into that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up came the rescue mounted on an ambulance up came the wardens one, two, three. and the sang as they festered, waiting for the tea to brew who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Far beneath the surface deep inside a bedding plane there lies a caver ne'er to be found and his voice can be heard as you pass by that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. -DM The Wild Caver ============== I came up to Cambridge a fresher so neat some dirty old cavers I happened to meet I asked could I join them they answered me nay for weenies like you we can get any day and its no, nay, never no, nay never no more will I play the wild caver no never, no more I took out my cheque book all shiny and bright the treasurers eyes they lit up with delight they said I could join them be part of their rank as soon as the cheque had been cleared by the bank and its no... They sold me a wetsuit at an exhorbitant price the shiny black helmet was ever so nice we went up to derbyshire P8 was the place we only drowned three and lost four without trace and its... The pitches in yorkshire all end in dead sheep and to get there you wade through snow ten feet deep There are no caves in mendip or so goes the tale so potholing prowess is measured in ale and its... Now S.Wales is a speleologists delight but the names are too long and you can't say them right so don't blame the weeneies when they say OFD its easier than saying LLWNYNNWWWLLGGYYLLLLLFFFDREWLLLYN and its... Now the songs over I've stories to tell of waters that rose and of boulders that fell and all I have left is a tattered wetsuit half a black helmet and a wellington boot and its... -DM To the infamous rolf harris tune..... Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down (where's the f***** pro) Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down Dyno up for that jug, doug dyno up for that jug give those tendons a tug doug and dyno up for that jug straight ahead up the crack Jack straight ahead up the crack you're not turning back jack, go straight ahead up that crack get the handhold up high sly... otherwise you're going to fly.. Better make sure you don't fall paul... cos I aint got the rope at all paul... Now your hand's off the rock jock... Bet you're in for a shock, Jock... Youre lucky there's a deep lake,Jake... Can I have a slice of your cake, Jake... It's a shame its the sea, Lea Now you will pay the fee,Lea... You're all dead and gone john... Thats the end of the song, John... And sillier stil,... Go on give us a wave dave... As you go down the cave, dave Put your pet in the pan dan We know it's not a beard, Dan... Sorry that verse didn't rhyme, Sime... We just didn't have time, Sime Meet us down at the wall, Paul... Try the pub when you call, Paul... You should come on a meet,Pete Cos all we do is eat, Pete -DM ====== There is also a variant of Old Mcdonald had a farm.. This has some reference to terry tullis and harrissons rocks Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had a soloist EIEIO with a chalk dab here, and a chalk dab there here a chalk dab, there a chalk dab Take off that ****** chalk bag Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had an ice climber EIEIO with a woooo here.... ......novice EIEIO with a tight rope here ....rambler map case here and a map case there here a map case there a map case THERMOS BELOW O.M.T.H.A.C. EIEIO ...instructor Vdiff here and a V.Diff there ...some rocks EIEIO with some sandstone here and some sandstone there here some sandstone, there some sandstone everywhere a pile of sand ....Welsh climber ... rain storm here and downpour there ...Gritstone climber .. Hand Jam here and a hand jam there.. ad nauseum... make up your own local variants... -DM Sometimes I feel like a nut, Sometimes a bolt! Wayne Trzyna's rack's got nuts, Mort's don't! -EH Climbing Blues (sung to a blues guitar or while -------------- whimpering on lead) I'm looking straight up Thinking...its a long way down The sky is the place for birds Why ain't I on the ground? ---------------------------- |Chorus: | I've got those climbing blues, | Got those shoes too tight, rack ain't right, | anchors out of sight, days turned into night, | climbing blues. ----------------------------- I'm looking up one ugly crack There's only one thing left do Cause I'm comitted, I can't turn back Time to start singing those climbing blues (Chorus) I'm about take a fall Its only on a piton by Yvon But my partner just told be about the history of the rope The one he's taken 20 leader falls on. (Chorus) The guidebook says, "IT's EASY 5.5 Just have a Stopper, size #4 out" I'm 20 feet up, really doing a cruise Getting rid of those nasty blues When my partner yells, "Hey dude, thats 5.11. Wrong route!" (Chorus) Hey, when life is not being kind to you Then, hey, its a great day to climb Because when you're climbing all your worries melt away So give me those climbing blues any old time. (Chorus) --RR (not that other RR) the lyrics for "Suicide Is Painless" (the theme from M*A*S*H). Here it is: "Suicide is Painless" Words by Mike Altman Music by Johnny Mandel Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see that Chorus: Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late, and (chorus) The game of life is hard to play I'm going to lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay And this is all I have to say, that (chorus) The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give a seat For that's the only painless feat, cause (chorus) The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger - watch it grin (chorus) A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be? And I replied, "Oh why ask me?", cause (chorus) 'Tis a gift to be stupid, 'tis a gift to be free, 'tis a gift to accept self-responsibility. 'Tis a frightful encroachment by the bureaucracy, insurance, fees, bans, and regualations. Life During Climbing Times (Sung to the tune of "Life During Wartime" by the Talking Heads) Heard of a climber loaded with 'biners, Racked up and ready to go. Heard of some new routes far from the highway, A place that nobody knows. The sound of beta off in the distance, I'm getting used to it now. Climbed on the big walls, climbed on the boulders, Don't think I'll ever slow down. This ain't no sport climb, This ain't no top rope, This ain't hang doggin' around. No time to drink beer, Belay from lawn chairs, I ain't got time for that now. Somebody saw us up on our new crag, We had to feign ignorance. I've got twelve rock shoes, a couple of chalk bags, Some people ask if I'm French. High above basecamp, bags are loaded, All the ropes are in place. I sleep at the bivvy, I jug up at daybreak, A great big smile on my face. This ain't no contest, This ain't on TV, There ain't no judge and no crowd. I want to hang out, Be seen at Snowbird, I ain't got time for that now. Heard about Smith Rocks, heard about Hueco, Heard about Joshua Tree. You oughta know not to climb wearing Levi's, Somebody's likely to see. I got some Stoppers, some Chouinard Ovals, To do El Cap in a day. But I ain't got no Walkman, ain't got no boom box, Ain't got no CD's to play. Why use the Bosch drill? Why bolt on rappel? To make some dinky new route. Quickdraws all preplaced, Every three feet, That's not what climbing's about. This ain't no limestone, This ain't the Verdon, This is the U. S. of A. If climbing's too scary, Go back to the rock gym, Leave the cliffs for the brave. We disdain topos and preinspecting, We always lead it onsight. Stuck on a Grade IV after the sun goes, We just stay for the night. We dress like hardmen, wear day-glo fashions, It's all a clever disguise. Changed my lycra so many times now, Gotta blend with the times. You like the jamcracks, I like the friction, We make a pretty good team. Don't get exhausted, I'll do some leading, I think it's your turn to clean. Burned all our guidebooks, what good are guidebooks? Route skills help me survive. I'd rather climb into the unknown, That's when I know I'm alive. Sixteen Pins (with apologies to Merle Travis) Some people say a man is made outa mud A big-wall climber's made out of muscle and blood Feet like a spider, arms like King Kong, A mind that's weak and a grip that's strong Ya hammer sixteen pins, and what do you get, Another pitch higher up off of the deck Saint Peter don't you call me, cause I can't go I owe my soul to the REI* store... *[or MEC, or EMS] I was born one morning when the rain didn't fall, I picked up my harness and I walked to the wall, I climbed sixteen pitches of 5.9 A5 My belayer said, "What? You're still alive?" Ya hammer sixteen pins... If you see me climbing, better step aside A lot of men didn't, a lot of men died Pitons of iron, superior skill If the tricams don't get you, the rope drag will Ya hammer sixteen pins... GORY, GORY ROCKCLIMBERS "Will it go around the chockstone?" called the belayer looking up Our hero feebly answered "Yes" and slowly inched on up. He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more He slid right down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed He shot past the belayer who'd forgot the climber's creed An anchor to a piton would've been all he'd ever need Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more (last line to every verse) The belayer felt the rope pull taut, and tried to let it run But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come He left the ledge behind him and it shot up towards the sun They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col They had such good exposure it had made a glorious fall They slithered over a friction pitch and sped on down the wall The days they'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through their minds They thought about the girls back home, and the ones they'd left behind They thought about the rangers too, and wondered what they'd find A medic in the valley watched them through his telescope And as they neared the bottom his eyes grew bright with hope For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope One had the rope around his neck and pitons through his spleen An ice-ax in the rucksack had split the other's bean The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green They hit the ground, the sound was SPLAT! The blood went spurting high Their comrades they were heard to say "What a colorful way to die!" They wished that they had never come, or that they had learned to fly (slowly) There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope Bits and pieces were entwined across the green and grassy slope We put them in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope -- Larry Taylor and Al Baxter (Stanford Alpine Club). The insie wiensie climbers climbed up the Seneca route Down came the rain and washed the climbers out Out came the sun and dried up all the rain And the insie wiensie climbers climbed up the route again Old McDonald had a rock eieio And on this rock he had a crack eieio With a "jam, jam" here And a "jam, jam" there Here a jam, there a jam, everywhere a "jam,jam" Old McDonald had a rock eieio --KS RMNP January Morning Poem Gonna get some donuts, hope I ain't a wimp. If that wind keeps howlin', gonna be a blimp. --WT And just when you thought, "This is finally it! I'm going to die after climbing on grit." The rope takes your strain, a few feet from the ground, and it's down to earth you come, safe and sound. Then it's off to the Chequers, for a pint of Wards ale, where oft is told a graphic tale --- From P. Diffley From: Darren O'Connor <oconnord@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> Subject: Ode to .edu's Ode To .EDU's Though school's about education, I look forward to all the vacations, But this term has sucked, Damned be the luck, I've had no time for recreation! Perhaps I need a real job, So at night my head will not throb, With formulas galore, Man what a bore, It seems all my free time's been robbed! At least Christmas is near, Warm climbing's to be had, I hear, My waning skills, Will add to the thrills, It's sweaty palms for me, I fear! Darren O. Poem of Fear Edging skills, or hospital bills? Miss a turn? Crash and burn, downward tumble, now I'm humble, no control, slip, flip, roll, wrenching knee, whacking tree. What a blunder! (Six feet under?) Smashing rocks. (Pine-wood box?) Beeper on. (Buried and gone.) -- -Wayne Trzyna trzyna@CS.ColoState.EDU Little Miss Muffet got off her tuffet to climb the Eiger in a day. She came to the Spider It sent rocks down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away. S. Lindell "The Log Song", from Ren & Stimpy "What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs Rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back? It's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log! Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!" Seasonal: The Monster Rack To the tune of the 50s Rock and Roll Hit, "The Monster Mash" I was working a route, late one night, when my eyes beheld a terrible sight; Stricken by panic, driven with fright, We racked and racked to allay our plight: CHURUS REFRAIN We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. A heinous crack! Protect the heinous crack. Don't wanna stack! RP's don't wanna stack. We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. MONSTER RACK VERSE #2 Was doin a one-digit, man was it tough- I'd used my small cams and all my thin stuff WIth twenty feet of runout, a fall would be rough So I downclimbed to my belay and said, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!" Guess I needed the rack-- The monster rack! So I worked up the offwidth and the squeeze too Till I wore off all the skin up above my shoe I plugged in Big Bros till my rack was lean Then I knew for shure that this crack was mean I used the rack It was a bitchin crack It ate my rack Now I have a shit fit attack It ate my rack! It's too late to climb back! So I ran it out for about 50 feet My partner was wigged and I was white as a sheet I placed a tricam in a shallow hole Upon that crap I bet my soul On up 10' more was a really sick mantle My life was flickering like a burned out candle I grovelled like a drunken skunk to the anchor Then thanked God I didn't meet my maker I used my rack It was a monster rack I used my rack Too tiny for that crack! I used my rack I'm havin a gastric attack! I used my rack It was a monster rack! > Lord Slime, who art in (Ft.)Collins > Hallowed be thy name > Thy email come > Thy wrath be known > in pixels as it is in Colorado > Give us this day our daily flame > Forgive us our insolence > as we forgive those who spew fire against us. > Lead us not into long threads > and deliver us from boneheads. -- .

Panel 22 -- Song TABLE OF CONTENTS of this chain: 22/ Song? 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ Climbing Humor 27/ Legal issues 28/ Alternative ways to read rec.climbing 1/ DISCLAIMER 2/ Previous topics 3/ Beginner's (climbing) post 4/ 5/ Access 6/ 7/ References 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ Ratings and grades 13/ 14/ In memoriam 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ Climbing GIFs 19/ 20/ Weather 21/ Climbing glossary Song? Pull the trigger - put it in the crack. If either cam or crack is bigger, get another off your rack. --MC If fumbling you should drop that friend reach for another, try again. Should you find no more that size, oh shit, you've got to improvise! Stack two of those, no, three of these. Getting pumped, starting to grease. Wedge the big one, oops it's jammed. Get it together, or soon you're damned. Loop a sling around that horn two more seconds, then airborn. Zipper, zipper, clackety clack. Climb a bolt route, instead of a crack. -WT Well, here are a couple more songs courtesy of Cambridge Uni.. Caving Matilda ============== Once a jolly caver came upon a squalid hole Under the shade of a rowan tree. And he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving matilda, caving matilda who'll come a-caving matilda with me and he sang as he tied his ladder to a stalagmite who'll come a-caving matilda with me Far beneath the surface, deep inside a bedding plane where cries the caver can the through route be and he sang as he heard the murmur of a waterfall who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up rose the storm clouds down came the thunder rain up rose the waters, turf brown sea and he sang as the waters flowed into that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Up came the rescue mounted on an ambulance up came the wardens one, two, three. and the sang as they festered, waiting for the tea to brew who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. Far beneath the surface deep inside a bedding plane there lies a caver ne'er to be found and his voice can be heard as you pass by that bedding plane who'll come a-caving matilda with me caving etc. -DM The Wild Caver ============== I came up to Cambridge a fresher so neat some dirty old cavers I happened to meet I asked could I join them they answered me nay for weenies like you we can get any day and its no, nay, never no, nay never no more will I play the wild caver no never, no more I took out my cheque book all shiny and bright the treasurers eyes they lit up with delight they said I could join them be part of their rank as soon as the cheque had been cleared by the bank and its no... They sold me a wetsuit at an exhorbitant price the shiny black helmet was ever so nice we went up to derbyshire P8 was the place we only drowned three and lost four without trace and its... The pitches in yorkshire all end in dead sheep and to get there you wade through snow ten feet deep There are no caves in mendip or so goes the tale so potholing prowess is measured in ale and its... Now S.Wales is a speleologists delight but the names are too long and you can't say them right so don't blame the weeneies when they say OFD its easier than saying LLWNYNNWWWLLGGYYLLLLLFFFDREWLLLYN and its... Now the songs over I've stories to tell of waters that rose and of boulders that fell and all I have left is a tattered wetsuit half a black helmet and a wellington boot and its... -DM To the infamous rolf harris tune..... Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down (where's the f***** pro) Tie me second man down, sport tie me second man down Dyno up for that jug, doug dyno up for that jug give those tendons a tug doug and dyno up for that jug straight ahead up the crack Jack straight ahead up the crack you're not turning back jack, go straight ahead up that crack get the handhold up high sly... otherwise you're going to fly.. Better make sure you don't fall paul... cos I aint got the rope at all paul... Now your hand's off the rock jock... Bet you're in for a shock, Jock... Youre lucky there's a deep lake,Jake... Can I have a slice of your cake, Jake... It's a shame its the sea, Lea Now you will pay the fee,Lea... You're all dead and gone john... Thats the end of the song, John... And sillier stil,... Go on give us a wave dave... As you go down the cave, dave Put your pet in the pan dan We know it's not a beard, Dan... Sorry that verse didn't rhyme, Sime... We just didn't have time, Sime Meet us down at the wall, Paul... Try the pub when you call, Paul... You should come on a meet,Pete Cos all we do is eat, Pete -DM ====== There is also a variant of Old Mcdonald had a farm.. This has some reference to terry tullis and harrissons rocks Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had a soloist EIEIO with a chalk dab here, and a chalk dab there here a chalk dab, there a chalk dab Take off that ****** chalk bag Old McTerry had a crag EIEIO and on that crag he had an ice climber EIEIO with a woooo here.... ......novice EIEIO with a tight rope here ....rambler map case here and a map case there here a map case there a map case THERMOS BELOW O.M.T.H.A.C. EIEIO ...instructor Vdiff here and a V.Diff there ...some rocks EIEIO with some sandstone here and some sandstone there here some sandstone, there some sandstone everywhere a pile of sand ....Welsh climber ... rain storm here and downpour there ...Gritstone climber .. Hand Jam here and a hand jam there.. ad nauseum... make up your own local variants... -DM Sometimes I feel like a nut, Sometimes a bolt! Wayne Trzyna's rack's got nuts, Mort's don't! -EH Climbing Blues (sung to a blues guitar or while -------------- whimpering on lead) I'm looking straight up Thinking...its a long way down The sky is the place for birds Why ain't I on the ground? ---------------------------- |Chorus: | I've got those climbing blues, | Got those shoes too tight, rack ain't right, | anchors out of sight, days turned into night, | climbing blues. ----------------------------- I'm looking up one ugly crack There's only one thing left do Cause I'm comitted, I can't turn back Time to start singing those climbing blues (Chorus) I'm about take a fall Its only on a piton by Yvon But my partner just told be about the history of the rope The one he's taken 20 leader falls on. (Chorus) The guidebook says, "IT's EASY 5.5 Just have a Stopper, size #4 out" I'm 20 feet up, really doing a cruise Getting rid of those nasty blues When my partner yells, "Hey dude, thats 5.11. Wrong route!" (Chorus) Hey, when life is not being kind to you Then, hey, its a great day to climb Because when you're climbing all your worries melt away So give me those climbing blues any old time. (Chorus) --RR (not that other RR) the lyrics for "Suicide Is Painless" (the theme from M*A*S*H). Here it is: "Suicide is Painless" Words by Mike Altman Music by Johnny Mandel Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see that Chorus: Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late, and (chorus) The game of life is hard to play I'm going to lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay And this is all I have to say, that (chorus) The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give a seat For that's the only painless feat, cause (chorus) The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger - watch it grin (chorus) A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be? And I replied, "Oh why ask me?", cause (chorus) 'Tis a gift to be stupid, 'tis a gift to be free, 'tis a gift to accept self-responsibility. 'Tis a frightful encroachment by the bureaucracy, insurance, fees, bans, and regualations. Life During Climbing Times (Sung to the tune of "Life During Wartime" by the Talking Heads) Heard of a climber loaded with 'biners, Racked up and ready to go. Heard of some new routes far from the highway, A place that nobody knows. The sound of beta off in the distance, I'm getting used to it now. Climbed on the big walls, climbed on the boulders, Don't think I'll ever slow down. This ain't no sport climb, This ain't no top rope, This ain't hang doggin' around. No time to drink beer, Belay from lawn chairs, I ain't got time for that now. Somebody saw us up on our new crag, We had to feign ignorance. I've got twelve rock shoes, a couple of chalk bags, Some people ask if I'm French. High above basecamp, bags are loaded, All the ropes are in place. I sleep at the bivvy, I jug up at daybreak, A great big smile on my face. This ain't no contest, This ain't on TV, There ain't no judge and no crowd. I want to hang out, Be seen at Snowbird, I ain't got time for that now. Heard about Smith Rocks, heard about Hueco, Heard about Joshua Tree. You oughta know not to climb wearing Levi's, Somebody's likely to see. I got some Stoppers, some Chouinard Ovals, To do El Cap in a day. But I ain't got no Walkman, ain't got no boom box, Ain't got no CD's to play. Why use the Bosch drill? Why bolt on rappel? To make some dinky new route. Quickdraws all preplaced, Every three feet, That's not what climbing's about. This ain't no limestone, This ain't the Verdon, This is the U. S. of A. If climbing's too scary, Go back to the rock gym, Leave the cliffs for the brave. We disdain topos and preinspecting, We always lead it onsight. Stuck on a Grade IV after the sun goes, We just stay for the night. We dress like hardmen, wear day-glo fashions, It's all a clever disguise. Changed my lycra so many times now, Gotta blend with the times. You like the jamcracks, I like the friction, We make a pretty good team. Don't get exhausted, I'll do some leading, I think it's your turn to clean. Burned all our guidebooks, what good are guidebooks? Route skills help me survive. I'd rather climb into the unknown, That's when I know I'm alive. Sixteen Pins (with apologies to Merle Travis) Some people say a man is made outa mud A big-wall climber's made out of muscle and blood Feet like a spider, arms like King Kong, A mind that's weak and a grip that's strong Ya hammer sixteen pins, and what do you get, Another pitch higher up off of the deck Saint Peter don't you call me, cause I can't go I owe my soul to the REI* store... *[or MEC, or EMS] I was born one morning when the rain didn't fall, I picked up my harness and I walked to the wall, I climbed sixteen pitches of 5.9 A5 My belayer said, "What? You're still alive?" Ya hammer sixteen pins... If you see me climbing, better step aside A lot of men didn't, a lot of men died Pitons of iron, superior skill If the tricams don't get you, the rope drag will Ya hammer sixteen pins... GORY, GORY ROCKCLIMBERS "Will it go around the chockstone?" called the belayer looking up Our hero feebly answered "Yes" and slowly inched on up. He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more He slid right down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed He shot past the belayer who'd forgot the climber's creed An anchor to a piton would've been all he'd ever need Oh, he ain't gonna climb no more (last line to every verse) The belayer felt the rope pull taut, and tried to let it run But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come He left the ledge behind him and it shot up towards the sun They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col They had such good exposure it had made a glorious fall They slithered over a friction pitch and sped on down the wall The days they'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through their minds They thought about the girls back home, and the ones they'd left behind They thought about the rangers too, and wondered what they'd find A medic in the valley watched them through his telescope And as they neared the bottom his eyes grew bright with hope For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope One had the rope around his neck and pitons through his spleen An ice-ax in the rucksack had split the other's bean The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green They hit the ground, the sound was SPLAT! The blood went spurting high Their comrades they were heard to say "What a colorful way to die!" They wished that they had never come, or that they had learned to fly (slowly) There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope Bits and pieces were entwined across the green and grassy slope We put them in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope -- Larry Taylor and Al Baxter (Stanford Alpine Club). The insie wiensie climbers climbed up the Seneca route Down came the rain and washed the climbers out Out came the sun and dried up all the rain And the insie wiensie climbers climbed up the route again Old McDonald had a rock eieio And on this rock he had a crack eieio With a "jam, jam" here And a "jam, jam" there Here a jam, there a jam, everywhere a "jam,jam" Old McDonald had a rock eieio --KS RMNP January Morning Poem Gonna get some donuts, hope I ain't a wimp. If that wind keeps howlin', gonna be a blimp. --WT And just when you thought, "This is finally it! I'm going to die after climbing on grit." The rope takes your strain, a few feet from the ground, and it's down to earth you come, safe and sound. Then it's off to the Chequers, for a pint of Wards ale, where oft is told a graphic tale --- From P. Diffley From: Darren O'Connor <oconnord@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> Subject: Ode to .edu's Ode To .EDU's Though school's about education, I look forward to all the vacations, But this term has sucked, Damned be the luck, I've had no time for recreation! Perhaps I need a real job, So at night my head will not throb, With formulas galore, Man what a bore, It seems all my free time's been robbed! At least Christmas is near, Warm climbing's to be had, I hear, My waning skills, Will add to the thrills, It's sweaty palms for me, I fear! Darren O. Poem of Fear Edging skills, or hospital bills? Miss a turn? Crash and burn, downward tumble, now I'm humble, no control, slip, flip, roll, wrenching knee, whacking tree. What a blunder! (Six feet under?) Smashing rocks. (Pine-wood box?) Beeper on. (Buried and gone.) -- -Wayne Trzyna trzyna@CS.ColoState.EDU Little Miss Muffet got off her tuffet to climb the Eiger in a day. She came to the Spider It sent rocks down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away. S. Lindell "The Log Song", from Ren & Stimpy "What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs Rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back? It's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log! Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!" Seasonal: The Monster Rack To the tune of the 50s Rock and Roll Hit, "The Monster Mash" I was working a route, late one night, when my eyes beheld a terrible sight; Stricken by panic, driven with fright, We racked and racked to allay our plight: CHURUS REFRAIN We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. A heinous crack! Protect the heinous crack. Don't wanna stack! RP's don't wanna stack. We'll need the rack! We'll need the monster-rack. MONSTER RACK VERSE #2 Was doin a one-digit, man was it tough- I'd used my small cams and all my thin stuff WIth twenty feet of runout, a fall would be rough So I downclimbed to my belay and said, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!" Guess I needed the rack-- The monster rack! So I worked up the offwidth and the squeeze too Till I wore off all the skin up above my shoe I plugged in Big Bros till my rack was lean Then I knew for shure that this crack was mean I used the rack It was a bitchin crack It ate my rack Now I have a shit fit attack It ate my rack! It's too late to climb back! So I ran it out for about 50 feet My partner was wigged and I was white as a sheet I placed a tricam in a shallow hole Upon that crap I bet my soul On up 10' more was a really sick mantle My life was flickering like a burned out candle I grovelled like a drunken skunk to the anchor Then thanked God I didn't meet my maker I used my rack It was a monster rack I used my rack Too tiny for that crack! I used my rack I'm havin a gastric attack! I used my rack It was a monster rack! > Lord Slime, who art in (Ft.)Collins > Hallowed be thy name > Thy email come > Thy wrath be known > in pixels as it is in Colorado > Give us this day our daily flame > Forgive us our insolence > as we forgive those who spew fire against us. > Lead us not into long threads > and deliver us from boneheads. -- .